I remember things she said to me over the years, things such as living in New Orleans years ago. How she felt that it was not right that blacks could not come into the diner she worked at. Mom had to take their meals to the back door for them. She told me of how just after she got there, having moved from California, she got onto a bus and automatically went to the back of the bus to smoke a cigarette. She apparently got into a lot of trouble – a white woman at the back of a bus in the deep South.

I was raised by my parents to respect people, the only guide to a man’s character being an old adage of my grandfather that “If my dog don’t trust a man, I probably shouldn’t either.”

This is a very wonderful day for this country, and I know that, if only in our hearts, my mom is here watching it with me and dad. I know as well that President Obama’s grandmother is with his family today, watching in unspeakable pride as he takes the oath of office. (When I wrote this he was President Elect – he is now President. Congratulations Mr. President!)

I got some work done tonight.  If you have been here before, then you’ll notice the blog has taken on a new look.  I will be doing some more tweaking, getting the blog in shape over the next few days to a week, but for now I need to get some sleep before I collapse.

I just know it is cold in here and feels like it is getting colder rather than warmer as I add more wood to the fireplace.  I hate to run the electric heater though, because that causes the electric bill to skyrocket.  At the moment the electric bill is breaking the budget as it is, so I definitely do not want to have that go up any more than it has already.

I hope that others enjoy this theme as much as I enjoy it.

I’m going to leave it up to my brother to remember the VFW meetings and take dad to them, since it is something that they can do together and will give me a chance to relax some and not have to worry about listening for dad to call me if I want to get an hour or two of real sleep while they are out at the meeting.  Which is what I might just do tonight.

And now, as days pass, my efforts to be strong for everyone else are starting to slowly falter.  I will need to pause and lean on the wall or counter to stop myself from collapsing, or I will find myself needing to sleep and only able to fight back tears and a desire to scream incoherently.  I can not.  I need to be strong.  Me and mom always said that we were the strong ones, we were the ones that could face what happened – I need to prove that now.   I need to be strong for the others in my family.

I can not help but think how unfair it is that I, as the youngest,must be the strongest, but that is how it is.  I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to be strong.  I am going to let the others lean on me as they need and show a strength against the storms that are still ahead.  I will not break.  And my promise to myself, if I can hold fast and be the strong one now, then I give myself permission to let it all break free one day when my father passes on.  I will be strong now, and do what has to be done to take care of my father as my mom would have wanted me to, and shall mourn them both as one in the furture — long long long in the future a hundred and twenty years from now.