My dad has a blood test at the hospital tomorrow, I had meant to get him a pair of winter boots today, but did not get the chance to pick those up.  I’ll have to make sure that I get to somewhere that will carry those before too much longer – hopefully tomorrow – and get him a good pair of winter boots.

My older sister and brother are going to be taking my dad down to the local VFW meeting tonight.  My dad has been a lifetime member of the post for years, and getting him to meetings is something that me and mom kept trying to get organized over the past few months, but usually by the time he remembered there was going to be a meeting the meeting date was past and mom and I just flat never seemed to think about it with everything else that we had to remember during the month.

I’m going to leave it up to my brother to remember the VFW meetings and take dad to them, since it is something that they can do together and will give me a chance to relax some and not have to worry about listening for dad to call me if I want to get an hour or two of real sleep while they are out at the meeting.  Which is what I might just do tonight.

I have set up a donation system for anyone that desires to make a donation into the fund to help me save my parents’ house, I will be creating an information page as soon as I can detailing why donations are being accepted and what the money is needed for, but for now I want to make it clear that any money donated will be used only to help me save my parents house – nothing else. Should I fail to save their house I will determine what best to do with any donated money, but for now my entire goal in life (aside from caring for my dad of course) is to save my parents’ house so that my mom’s wish will be fulfilled that I inherit it for payment for the life I set aside to care for her and dad.

I have been experiencing what you could call cracks in the armor.  Moments where I just want to collapse and cry my heart out, and yet I can not do that. I can not let my pain break free of the emotion box I have locked it inside of.  I need to be strong, for my dad and for my siblings.  I watched them after my mom died, they were all trying to be strong, but I could see the loss and devastation and uncertainty about what to do.  They all threw themselves into things that helped them deal with the pain, but I could see the pain still.  They were not as prepared for holding it back as I.  Me and mom had long known that we would lose dad any day.  That every day we had with him was borrowed time… we had not really thought she might pass on first.  I knew that her health was poor, but not as poor as it was.  It hurts to look back and wish I had done things differently, but nothing can change any of it now, and I know that could I go back, without the knowledge I have now, I still could not have anticipated what happened.

And now, as days pass, my efforts to be strong for everyone else are starting to slowly falter.  I will need to pause and lean on the wall or counter to stop myself from collapsing, or I will find myself needing to sleep and only able to fight back tears and a desire to scream incoherently.  I can not.  I need to be strong.  Me and mom always said that we were the strong ones, we were the ones that could face what happened – I need to prove that now.   I need to be strong for the others in my family.

I can not help but think how unfair it is that I, as the youngest,must be the strongest, but that is how it is.  I have made a promise to myself.  I am going to be strong.  I am going to let the others lean on me as they need and show a strength against the storms that are still ahead.  I will not break.  And my promise to myself, if I can hold fast and be the strong one now, then I give myself permission to let it all break free one day when my father passes on.  I will be strong now, and do what has to be done to take care of my father as my mom would have wanted me to, and shall mourn them both as one in the furture — long long long in the future a hundred and twenty years from now.

I had wanted to get out and pick cranberries today, but the person I had asked to come sit with my dad while I went cranberry picking never came by to sit with him, so I ended up unable to go.  I am hoping that I will get the chance to go cranberry picking tomorrow, because I really really don’t want to miss out on getting out there and picking cranberries this year.  Me and mom always went cranberry picking so we could make cranberry sauce for the holidays.  We did not always get it made, and sometimes when we did get it made it didn’t turn out quite right, but we always went and picked the cranberries.  I want to get out there this year and pick those cranberries.